Resolving your divorce as peacefully as possible might sound like something written by a life coach, not a divorce attorney. Although this topic may not appear lawyerly at first glance, every divorce does not need to be World War Three.
Divorce can be devastating. Divorce can be life-altering. Divorce can leave you feeling emotionally ship-wrecked, on an island of one. All true. With all of that said, there are ways to reduce the stress and pain of a divorce. Not all divorces need to be mud-slinging war of words meant to break your spouse’s spirt because of the split.
If you are reading these words, then you are likely considering a divorce. You are investigating New Mexico’s divorce laws and what to anticipate. While brushing up on New Mexico’s laws, you should also consider that not all divorces are created equally – both with the facts and how each party responds to the circumstances. It is important to consider ways to get through your divorce as peacefully as possible. This approach can greatly improve your mental health, quality of life, and enable you to move towards a better chapter in the book of your life.
FIND WAYS TO REDUCE ANGER, VIOLENCE, AND OUTBURSTS DURING DIVORCE
Sadness and anger are often mixed with New Mexico divorce. At times, sadness can trigger anger, which then creates sadness that turns into anger. Anger and sadness can be a vicious cycle.
Anger and rage greatly decrease the likelihood of a peaceful divorce. Anger can cause outbursts that lead to an Order of Protection, police involvement, CYFD, and/or domestic violence charges. Anger can also lead to self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, which can greatly impact your custody case.
Most importantly, approaching your case with anger is like poisoning your case and expecting the other person’s case to suffer.
Yesterday, in court, a parent approached his case with anger. Every question that I asked on cross-examination was met with an angry response and aggressive body language. A few minutes into the cross-examination, the judge make it a point to stop the hearing to lecture the parent on appearing angry, aggressive, and like he wanted to attack me for doing my job. The judge lectured the parent for five to ten minutes on appropriate courtroom appearance and etiquette. That parent poisoned his case with anger.
Anger can also poison your case with Court Clinic or a Guardian Ad Litem. Anger is a red flag that demonstrates instability and potential danger. Anger is especially detrimental in combination with claims of substance abuse, domestic violence, or instability. You are not coming across as passionate when you are angry – you are coming across as unstable, violent, and a potential danger to yourself or others. Anger is not a good look in court. Ditch the anger.
This all begs the question, “How do I reduce my anger during a terrible time in my life?”
Is the cloud of divorce hanging over your life? If so, it is important to learn ways to cope with negative emotions such as jealousy or anger, which can be magnified by the divorce process. Like most aspects of life – dealing with anger and negative emotions is easier said than done.
Ways to reduce anger during a divorce include:
- Get involved with family.
- Re-connect with friends.
- Consider therapy or counseling. There is nothing embarrassing about improving yourself.
PEACEFUL WAYS TO APPROACH DIVORCE
Unfortunately, there is not a one-size-fits-all path towards an amicable or peaceful divorce. However, there are several common paths that lead towards the promised land of a peaceful divorce. These paths include methods that can reduce the inherent tension and stress of a divorce, dividing assets/debts, and agreeing on custody, timesharing, and support.
The most common path towards an amicable divorce is traveled through negotiation, settlement facilitation, or a collaborative divorce.
NEGOTIATING A PEACEFUL DIVORCE — HOW TO RESOLVE YOUR DIVORCE AS PEACEFULLY AS
Some divorces can be resolved without litigation. At times, spouses can reach a full agreement and move towards a uncontested divorce. In some cases, spouses can avoid the pain, cost, and time of traveling through a stressful legal system.
The first step towards successful negotiation is understanding New Mexico laws. Understand that New Mexico is a community property state where assets and debts accumulated during the marriage are split 50-50. Understand how alimony works, and when the court usually awards alimony. Understand the New Mexico child support guidelines and come to terms with child support. Understand New Mexico court’s varying preferences regarding custody and timesharing.
Knowledge is potential power and negotiations should be based on a firm understanding of New Mexico law. Lacking a complete understanding of NM divorce laws can create a lopsided or unfair negotiation process.
Speak with an experienced divorce attorney in New Mexico. Reaching a fair resolution with your spouse can save months of stressful litigation, and thousands of dollars in expenses. Unfortunately, not all resolutions are fair and based on NM law. Some negotiations are based on fear, manipulation, and self-serving misinformation.
USING A SETTLEMENT FACILITATOR TO REACH A PEACEFUL DIVORCE
Settlement facilitation lies somewhere between a peaceful, uncontested divorce and contested divorce that involves extended litigation.
At times, a skilled facilitator is needed to guide the parties towards an agreement outside of court. Ideally, your facilitator should have extensive litigation experience and the ability to give each side a “reality check” regarding their requests. Retired judges are routinely used as settlement facilitators, based on their history and practical understanding of how the case will likely play out in court.
A skilled facilitator can think outside of the box and develop ways to split assets/debts or create timesharing agreements. Facilitation is not about one person bullying the other side and “winning.” Facilitation is about reaching a resolution that best reflects New Mexico law, and the likely outcome from expensive and stressful litigation.
Both sides must give to make settlement facilitation work. The alternative is placing the ultimate decision into your judge’s hands – for better or for worse.
Judges generally are not happy when a case fails to settle outside of court. Judges tend to believe that NM’s law regarding assets and debts is clear and that all cases should settle outside of court. Most judges will openly warn that you are better off resolving your case through facilitation than trial. Most judges will openly warn against rolling the dice and placing the final decision in their hands.
You have been warned. Approach settlement facilitation with an open mind and understand that both sides must give a little, to reach a middle ground.
THE COLABORATIVE DIVORCE PROCESS IN NEW MEXICO
The collaborative divorce process in New Mexico involves both parties hiring a qualified collaborative attorney in New Mexico. Each spouse works with a qualified attorney to negotiate a settlement outside of court.
The collaborative divorce process is a team effort that usually involves the following qualified professionals:
- Independent financial specialist that gathers and reviews necessary financial documents.
- Unbiased child specialist that assists the parties with creating an appropriate Parenting Plan.
- Divorce coach for each spouse that is generally a mental health professional.
The collaborative divorce process is rarely used in New Mexico, based on the following reasons:
- Cost of multiple specialists involved with the process.
- Need to fire one’s attorney, retaining new counsel, if the process ultimately fails.
- Starting from scratch, with a bill to boot, when the process fails.
- Additional cost of pursuing litigation if the collaborative divorce fails.
- Settlement facilitation is usually less expensive.
The key ingredient to a successful collaborative divorce in New Mexico is desire. Both parties must desire to work together and reach a resolution, for the process to work. At times, however, desire is not enough. At times, the collaborative divorces process falls apart. When this happens, the parties are forced to start at the beginning with litigation after the potentially expensive collaborative process fails.
Because of the potential drawbacks of a collaborative divorce, settlement facilitation is generally the preferred path towards a relatively peaceful divorce.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN DIVORCE NEGOTIATION OR SETTLEMENT FACILITATION FAILS?
Any of the following issues could result in a contested divorce and litigation:
- Disagreements regarding community assets or debts
- Alimony/Spousal Support
- Custody
- Timesharing
- Child Support
Just one disagreement can lead to litigation. Litigation means taking the choice to decide the issue out of your hands – placing the issue into a judge’s hands to decide.
The less litigation, the more peaceful the divorce.
DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF DURIING THE DIVORCE PROCESS
Are you separated and facing a divorce? If so, it is time to think about dating yourself for a change. The divorce process can be one of the most stressful life challenges that you face. It is essential to care for yourself, your mental health, and emotional wellbeing during a breakup or divorce.
The person in the mirror will still be there after your divorce is completed. Now is the time to adjust, reevaluate, and care for yourself.
FIND OR RESDISCOVER SOMETHING THAT BRINGS YOU JOY — HOW TO RESOLVE YOUR DIVORCE AS PEACEFULLY AS POSSIBLE
The divorce process can be a dark time in your life. When you are going through the dark days of divorce, it is necessary to bring positive energy into your life. Rediscover an old hobby or find a new interest.
Reconnect with old friends that grew apart during your marriage.
Meet new people, take a class, or reconnect with nature. Spend time in the Sandia mountains or Bosque. Take a short trip to Taos and try something new like kayaking. Disconnect from the internet – after finishing this blog of course!
Stop, reevaluate, and imagine how you want the next chapter in your life to appear.
(505) SANCHEZ HELPS YOU UNDERSTAND HOW TO RESOLVE YOUR DIVORCE AS PEACEFULLY AS POSSIBLE IN ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO
Do you have questions about how to resolve your divorce as peacefully as possible in in Albuquerque? Matthew Legan Sanchez has over a decade of divorce trial experience. Sanchez understands the realities of and cost/benefits of divorce trials. Sanchez can help you understand how to resolve your divorce as peacefully as possible in Albuquerque, Rio Rancho, Los Lunas, Belen, NM. Call (505) SANCHEZ for more information about New Mexico your NM divorce and custody case.
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How to Resolve Your Divorce as Peacefully as Possible in New Mexico
