No one is free from the wrath of stress. Stress hits us all regardless of race, age, income, or sex. No matter what category you fall under, divorce can be an extremely stressful event that rattles one’s life to the core.
But is divorce more stressful for men than women? Is there something about divorce that hits men particularly hard?
Here are some reasons why divorce can be more stressful for men than women.
MEN FACE THE PERCEIVED GENDER BIAS OF A FAMILY COURT SYSTEM THAT FAVORS WOMEN
It is debatable whether the family court system favors women in some respects – particularly timesharing of a young child. Whether a gender bias exists is besides the point for today’s discussion. The point is that men tend to believe that a gender bias exists. In turn, this belief can cause increased stress and tension for men that are staring down the barrel of a system that they believe is biased against their case and cause.
The belief that the family court system favors women often applies to the following issues:
- Timesharing of a young child;
- Alimony;
- Child Support; and
- Distribution of community assets and debts.
IS ALBUQUERQUE FAMILY COURT UNFAIR TO MEN AND FATHERS WITH TIMESHARING?
I will not say that Albuquerque courts inherently favor women with custody and timesharing, but I will say that it is usually much easier to represent a mother regarding timesharing of a young child. It is usually easier to represent and achieve a mother’s goals for the following reasons:
- Mothers often act as a young child’s primary caregiver.
- Mothers often establish their residence as the primary home after separation.
- Fathers tend to establish weak timesharing after separation, which haunts their case.
- Fathers often enable weak timesharing schedules to take place for months before opening a case to address timesharing.
- Restraining orders and domestic violence charges are more commonly placed against fathers than mothers.
- Fathers tend to have a great likelihood for claims of alcohol related offenses, or substance abuse issues.
- Albuquerque courts follow the suggested timesharing guidelines. These guidelines believe that a young child is best served with one primary home and short, frequent timesharing with the non-primary parent. For the reasons above, mothers are generally found to be the primary parent.
Based on the bullet points above, by the time a father calls my office and seeks legal advice, usually the “status quo” favors a mother’s argument regarding primary physical custody (i.e., more timesharing) of a young child. Because of this fact, it is usually easier to achieve primary physical custody of a young child on a mother’s behalf – especially with young children.
Because the facts make the argument “easier” arguing for a mother – by extension – the custody and timesharing case can be more stressful for the father.
THE STEREOTYPE STILL EXISTS THAT ALIMONY IS A MAN’S RESPONSIBILITY
Alimony applies equally to both men and women. Alimony is gender neutral. Nevertheless, historically, men have tended to be the family’s primary earner. Historically, women tend to be the stay-at-home part. Because of this fact, women have historically had a greater need for support than men.
This stereotype is rapidly changing with our evolving economy. Nevertheless, a perceived belief remains that only men are required to pay alimony – or that it is the husband’s responsibility to pay alimony.
The belief in an alimony bias can cause men to experience more fear and stress when facing a divorce.
GENDER BIAS IN NEW MEXICO FAMILY COURT — BELIEF THAT CHILD SUPPORT ONLY APPLIES TO MEN
Men tend to believe that Albuquerque family courts are biased towards mothers regarding custody and timesharing. Men tend to believe that women will be granted primary custody of a minor child. These beliefs about timesharing create the further belief that the man will be responsible for child support.
The combination of timesharing, child support, and alimony can cause men to experience greater stress during a divorce. At times, men believe that the family court system is biased towards women – and that women have a “home field advantage” in family court. This belief causes increased stress and anxiety, which can generate feelings of anger.
BELIEF THAT WOMEN WILL GET A GREATER SHARE OF THE COMMUNITY ASSETS
In addition to beliefs about child support and alimony, the stereotype still lingers that men earn more during the marriage and therefore will lose more once the divorce is granted. Additionally, some men believe that the family court system is biased and will grant women a greater share of community assets – especially if the man requests the divorce. Men also may believe that they will be shackled with more of the community debt.
In reality, New Mexico is no fault and community property state. This means that the court does not about the basis for the divorce and assets and debts that were accumulated during the marriage are split 50-50. This 50-50 split applies equally to men and women.
MEN ARE MORE LIKELY TO INTERNALIZE THE PAIN OF DIVORCE
A stereotype exists that men are more likely to be responsible for the divorce, due to infidelity. In my experience, women and men are equally responsible for infidelity that leads to a divorce.
Women tend to be more open about seeking professional help through counselors, therapists, or other mental health professionals. Women tend to express their emotions more freely without the fear of societal judgment or social stigma. In general, society is more acceptant of a woman that openly cries and releases her emotions than men.
Some men believe that a strong man does not show his emotions. When I was younger, I often heard the saying that “a cowboy gets shot in the stomach and takes it like a man.” Some men believe that a man can get hit in the stomach with a divorce, but that he needs to take it like a man. It’s hard to imagine the Marlboro Man crying and expressing his emotions to fellow cowboys. For that matter it’s hard to imagine any action hero expressing his emotions, or failing to “take it like a man.”
Is there a gender bias in New Mexico family courts?
“Taking it like a man” implies that the man does not cry or become overly emotional about the divorce in public.
“Taking it like a man” may imply that the man deals with his emotions without a therapist or counselor.
Unfortunately, “taking it like a man” may cause the man to self-medicate through drugs or alcohol – rather than expressing his emotions or seeking professional help. Self-medication can create a vicious cycle emotions and actions that negative impacts one’s timesharing case, causing greater stress about the underlying divorce.
In addition to self-medication, internalizing the pain of a divorce man cause emotion to “bottle-neck,” build up, and explode. This explosion of emotions may result in angry outbursts that lead to an Order of Protection or Domestic Violence charges that can significantly hurt one’s custody and timesharing case.
(505) SANCHEZ HELPS CAN ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: “IS DIVORCE MORE STRESSFUL FOR MEN THAN WOMEN IN ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO?“
Are you still curious, “Is divorce more stressful for men than women in New Mexico?” Matthew Legan Sanchez has been handling divorce trials for over a decade and handles divorces in Bernalillo, Sandoval, Santa Fe, or Valencia County in New Mexico. Call (505) SANCHEZ for more information about bias against men in family courts in New Mexico.
Is Divorce More Stressful for Men than Women in Albuquerque New Mexico?
